Never Not Here (Guest Post)

By NeverNotHereTV

(23) IN A PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP THERE ARE 3 FUNDAMENTAL IMAGINATIONS.

There is the "I", there is the "YOU", and there is the "WE". There may be some substance in the I and in the YOU, even though we know that they are both built on thoughts and memories. The WE has even less substance, and may be a pure thought form. It is also nourished (or impoverished) by thoughts and memories.

Most of the thoughts building the WE are collective beliefs of how it should be. (If you are raising children, I am not going to address your situation. Please write your own post.)

There are many thoughts around how the WE should be nourished, and I definitely agree that it should be. My focus here is how that nourishment is taking place. Many thoughts of the perfect WE honor self denial. It's that selfless mother that gave her all to the family, with nothing left over to call her own. (That's just her negative self talk isn't it?) We even have the term unconditional love, meaning there is no self in it or no business deal. Is that a high state?

Really, who wants unconditional love? Maybe in church or something? Unconditional love does not react, because it can't go up and down. Isn't that kind of distant? Detached, Cool, Lacking any specialness. Surely I wouldn't like it, would you?

If you are in any way assuming that selfless role in a relationship, I would ask if you are not nourishing bitterness along with your love? If that is your MO you are for sure reacting. You are dramatizing those reactions. You are half believing that the others are there principally to absorb your reactions, (so your "truth" can be heard). And the purpose of all that drama is to manipulate those around you as a secret back seat driver. You are as dishonest as any crook.

Please consider that if you are feeding a WE that is not feeding back your I, then you are creating a mountain of poison that will sooner or later sicken you and destroy your relationship.

In fact, in a healthy, long lasting relationship, the I and the YOU and the WE are in balance with respect to their power. They are equal in how they command a slice of your attention. Each component is growing in caring and love, in social abilities and in personal empowerment that makes a difference.

Some people with an advanced case of inadequacy have given up on their own motive power. They may be seeking a stronger WE to prop themselves up with. It also happens with an advanced belief in scarcity, where one tries to jump several financial or social classes to a new level of WE. You might remember that old old TV show, "How to Marry a Millionaire".

If your relationship lacks this balance, start to watch out now. Don't let any more poison seep in. The moment you discover a refusal to build these three equally, then I say "get out". Entanglement only gets deeper. Even the sex is fake. It is not clean.